What Are You Going To Do?

We consistently tell ourselves that everything is going to be okay, even when we know very well that it will not. Sometimes I think we tell ourselves it will be okay because deep down it really does make us feel better. The ironic thing is that once everything is okay we question it. We wonder how can everything be okay... something is not right here. That's how things get ruined. Maybe it's me maybe I  wish so badly that things would be different that maybe I don't see the good in the situation right now. Or, maybe I wish that things would be different because there really needs to be a change or there is going to be an emotional eruption.

   You always ask yourself what can I do to change? What can I do to help? What can I do to make things better? What can I do? How can you follow your heart when your heart is tangled? As people why do we always want to fix things? Why do we feel it is necessary... I wonder what would happen if I just let everything be, if I just took this giant leap and didn't worry so much about all the emotional feelings attached to every situation that surfaces in my life. I am being a sap. A sap. No one is going to want to read about a sap and how one woman is trying to change things for the better or make more sense of her life.

  Repeated words in repeated fights bring you to the same repeated conclusion,the question is what are you going to do to change the situation to make everything okay?

 

  

Preparing

Where we start off in any situation is nowhere near where we finish. I feel like the start is the better odd. The start allows you to take more control, it allows you to mold the situation. The finish leaves this weird, empty existence lingering.

  I don't want to be at the finish of something that I have put so much time in and at the start of something that I will need so much help with. Alone. I try to be strong and trick myself into thinking that everything will be okay, everything will fall into place. Truth is, most of the time nothing falls into place for me. I just keep going on this path hoping that something or someone or somewhere it will all change for the better. You know help yourself first, even when I do that it just doesn't work out. 

I know what I need to do... it just needs to be done. I'm not sure if I can do that yet...

Where Does Heartbreak Land You?

   I've often heard the saying "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." Lately though I sometimes wish I had never experienced love or that I have never experienced a great love the way I do and did because it only leads to more heartbreak. It only leads to some life shattering feeling that pumps through my heart and sinks into my stomach. I hate feeling heartbroken, picking up each piece to try and flawlessly put my heart back together and at the same time I am watching more pieces drop to the ground. It is molding my heart into some sort of deformed circle. 

   Heartbreak leaves you on a road to endless questions about your partner. The wondering the if this or if that the buts and maybes. I hate it all. I hate every second of it because I want to just be able to forget about all of it and move on, push forward as if that stage never really existed. Problem is...I can't. For the life of me I can't figure out why it didn't work and why it can't still work. He could tell me all the reasons why and give me a great explanation but something just doesn't click. How could two people be so happy and one day so different?

    I'm at the point of giving up and possibly letting go but the problem is if I do that then it's for good. It's a done deal and as much as I think I should move on because it's for the best I am afraid to. We stick to the things that are most comfortable in life because we fear change. I don't think I fear change I fear the fact that the person I am in love with might really be over me. If I hold on than there is always a chance (at least in my heart) that it might work someday, you know keep trying. If I let go and he doesn't come looking for me and he is happy then I am stuck trying to pave a new path because my heart is filled with so many dead ends. 

   At the end of the day where does heartbreak land you? Sure, I feel privileged to have experienced such a great love but what is going to happen next? When will I be loved the way I want? 

Fiction: A Start to A Short Piece...Perhaps

   If I counted backwards from one hundred that still would not have been enough time even considering that sometimes I count the same numbers twice. Luckily, for me my little sister was always making a mess so I had enough time to cover my own.

   My little sister Joann was a handful. A three year old with an attitude of a rebelious teenager and the powerful screaming lungs of a newborn baby. As for me I was your curious, average nine year old. I never looked for trouble but it always found a destructible way to find me.

    Like that time I was walking home from Jane's house and a gigantic, gruesome, green frog jumped in front of me than hopped onto my brand new, white gym shoes leaving a permanent green stain. Of course mom didn't believe me, she never does. She just shakes her head and rolls her eyes letting her brows fury in. What made me the most mad was that the frog didn't even bother to stop and apologize and I got a spanking for it and ended up wearing my gym shoes a size too small because of the dryer. Everyone knows you can't be the fastest kid at recess with cramped toes. When I asked mom if I could get new shoes she looked me up and down took a long pause, inhaled and slowly exhaled,

"Maybe if you didn't play in the mud and grass they would still be clean and nice. It'll teach ya a lesson, next time you'll tell the truth instead of a made up story." 

    I sat there quietly staring at her through my buffalo brown eyes, I was telling the truth.  

What Size Do You Prefer?

So I'm not exactly sure when it happened or when it dawned on me and it is not this serious thing that just hits you, but it did, it just hit me. Boobs are like batteries... sure it makes me sound a little bit perverted but I'm not. 

   Honestly, think about it. Any woman that goes to the store to buy a bra is looking for her size in letters. Whether it is triple A or a double D a woman is looking for her size. Now, any man that goes into a store is looking for batteries and he is also looking for battery sizes in letters. Maybe this made a little bit better sense in my head or in my journal. It's true every size there is in batteries there is a size to match in bras. 

   Here is another one... baby socks and shoes are like Barbie socks and shoes. I have noticed this time and time again with my daughter's socks and my Barbie's plastic, colorful pumps(of course I do not play with Barbies anymore although I dearly miss the days when I did). NO MATTER what the situation may be there is always one missing. It drove me nuts when I was a little girl and now it drives me nuts with my daughter. I think to myself when I see that one of her socks has fallen off, what is the other foot doing right? If anyone agrees with me please let me know so I don't feel completely crazy for thinking of this stuff all on my own. I just find it ironic that some things in this world connect with each other in ways we never imagined. 

    It has been a late night early morning for me so please do excuse me for whatever weirdness that I have pushed. It's just that these things have been on my mind for quite awhile now.